The When Harry Met Sally Dilemma: Can Men & Women Just be Friends?

After a healthy debate here at Flirtify, we’ve decided to let science answer the question once and for all… can heterosexual men and women really ever be “just friends”?

But before we jump into the science, let’s start with the public perceptions...

A recent survey asked 1,450 members of dating sites this very question. A huge 83% of those surveyed believe men and women can be platonic friends, while 11% disagreed and 6% weren’t sure. 

That said, 62% of respondents admitted they’d been in a “platonic” friendship that turned romantic or sexual and 71% said they hoped a hypothetical future romantic partner would be their friend first.

More… some men admitted they aren’t against striking up or keeping opposite-sex friendships in hope of having sex and are more likely to prioritize physical attractiveness in their female friends AKA the more attractive the woman the higher up the guys friends list.

Men also it seems are more attracted to their female friends than the female friends are to them too, regardless of either party’s relationship status (queue the jealousy!)
 

Public perception echoes the science

The same survey reported 67% of respondents said women are better at keeping sex out of a platonic relationship.

But despite either party’s best efforts, sex in supposedly “platonic” male-female relationships does happen. Another study by Leeds University found around half the heterosexual student population has engaged in sex in an otherwise platonic friendship. 

But, the majority of these friends-with-benefit situations don’t transition into a romantic relationship, suggesting perhaps people prefer the friendship over the sex (or at least over any romance)?

Sex changes things 

Even if friends remain friends (instead of romantic partners) after doin’ the deed, sex definitely changes things.

Friends who’ve hooked up are more likely to flirt with each other and communicate about their relationship, while friends who desire each other romantically spend more time together, provide a shoulder to cry on and talk less about relationships outside of their friendship. 

But… platonic love does exist. There are various reasons for keeping a relationship platonic, most commonly a lack of physical attraction, fear of disapproval from friends or family, third party involvement (i.e. a boyfriend or girlfriend), and not wanting to disrupt a happy relationship. 

The takeaway

The truth is friendship in general is still poorly understood. 

We don’t really have the language to discuss the different forms and this complicates the ways we’re able to think and talk about the subject. Heterosexual men and women can be friends, and these friendships can be good for all involved. 

 

Although these relationships are more likely it seems to involve some sort of sexual tension it’s up to both parties to decide whether they’ll maintain the status quo or open themselves up to the possibilities of more. 

And even if friends have sex, that doesn’t mean they aren’t friends. Perhaps “sex” and “friendship” aren’t always mutually exclusive; we might just need new words to describe them.

Let us know what you think… can men and women ever just be friends?

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